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Friday, November 10, 2017

Recently, I’ve been thinking about this concept of letting your heart break.
When you initially hear that, you would think: "Why would I ever want or knowingly walk into a situation where my heart would break?" "Who wants to feel heartbreak?"

Because anyone who has ever had their heart broken before knows it hurts like a bitch.

Call me crazy but I actually think that it is extremely healthy to let your heart break on a daily basis; it is not necessarily to let your heart shatter or be squished by an elephant. Let your heart break a little bit, just a few delicate tears in there.

In this day and age, being vulnerable and letting your heart break open a little bit and letting yourself really feel... is seen as weakness. But I really think the strongest thing that you can do despite the fact that it is an oxymoron is to be vulnerable and a little bit soft. I’m a strong believer that you can't fully reach a person without being vulnerable and letting your heart break a little bit. I think that’s how life should be because sometimes I feel like I aggravated myself for going through life too fast and not thinking things through.

When I was young, I believed in fairytales. I believed that my life was one big fairytale waiting to happen. What a shame to that girl who believed that her life was a fairytale, starting to see the demons and started to see the scary things that come out to the woodworks of life. 

I still believe on the things that I want for myself and things that I know that are important to me. But I see and hear what my society says; All the warnings that I hear, the criteria, the guidelines, and all the prerequisites, everything that I need in order to get somewhere else. 

I guess in today’s age of the world, we have become so fast-paced that we’ve left that little girl and all those ambitions that we used to have completely in the dust. We’ve shut her in all of those ambitions, dreams, and hopes deep down inside of us never to be seen again with a padlock because we are just so afraid  for there’s a chance we might fail. 

If I wanted to drop everything to do whatever I want to be, then there’s just so much room for failure and that scares the shit out of me. Because I know exactly what I want to do, I know exactly where I want to be, how I live, but there are so much uncertainties. And if we just follow the blueprint the society has made for us, all these x, y, z, all these process — if we  just follow that, it seems easier.

Follow the blueprint and play our cards right — we will get a “normal” life. 

It’s easy to live a life where we just don’t really think about what we’re doing. Just go on with the motions, just go with the flow, but what I always hear from someone is “Only dead fish go with the flow”. Only people who live half a life, who don’t really give a shit about what they’re doing, go with the flow. Back in time when I was young, I had so much passion.

I didn’t know what’s ahead. 
I didn’t know what was in store for me. 
I don’t know how many times I  would get my heart broken. 
Sometimes people would say no to me. 
Sometimes I get slapped on the face by life; by society’s insane stipulations for everything I wanted to do. 

Never in a million years with that young girl think that she would be told just because she’s a girl, she can't do something. But the idea of “no” in general is such a real thing. For guys and for girls

It’s just sad because I know that we all have so much potential but we are just so afraid that if we stray outside the lines and don’t go with the flow, we might fail.

One of my biggest fears in this life is failing. But a bigger fear of mine is never flying and never trying. Because I feel like as afraid of failure as I am, I am even more afraid of ending up thirty years from now having a “normal” life but always wondering what if —

what if I’ve taken that passion at age sixteen…
what if I never let that fear creep in...
what if I just kept running and didn’t look back…

Having a little bit of my heart broken, I hope you can see the things that make me tick, the things that freak me out, and sad, and scared.

Because I feel like if we continue on this life not telling people how we’re feeling, not admitting to what we’re afraid of, and not admitting to our pitfalls... I just can't imagine living my life not being vulnerable. 

As much as it pains to picture me as being “weak”  in some people’s minds, some people’s mentalities, in my mind it gives me strength to be vulnerable and let my heart break because I know that by doing so especially with my platform, it opens a door to conversation, it makes me feel less lonely, and  it makes me say these things out loud. 

Bottling up my feelings is something that I have done for quite a while. The things we do that we regret tugged in our soul, every single day we carried it around like a weight.

The second we talk about the things we’re afraid of
The second we talk about the things that make our heart break and pull our heart strings
little bit of us becomes a little bit lighter. 

When you let your heart break, picture a little butterfly escaping with every word you say. And  if it means by just sitting down with someone, getting coffee and talking about life, and really being raw with them, then that is the first step. 

Sometimes life rears its ugly head but the way to combat that is to let your heart break a little bit and letting your feelings come out and come in from all angles.  

People always associate heartbreak with a negative thing, the thing what happens when you’re dumped, which requires a lot of ice cream and warm blankets to mend your broken heart. 

What if I told you that heartbreak doesn’t always have to be a negative thing? 

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